That neck of yours

06/04/2017

When I was younger I had a hard time talking about my pain. It was dificult to describe it and I did not know the reason for why I had them. How do you describe the pain from neck injuries when you don't know you have them? And on top of that doctors and "specialists" tells you that you that nothing is wrong and that you are too young to have these kinds of problems. Eventually you just stop trying. 

I used to think that the reason for my pain was caused by my school backpack. I also used to think that my classmates had the same pain that I had.

When I started my partime job in a shoestoreI had to open up more to my GP. The pain escalated and I needed help. I had talked about my pain before but I had then just been offered a psychologist. I remember that I was nervous and I repeated the things I wanted to say, in my head. 

"I have severe pain in my neck and down towards my shoulder" I said. "It makes both my social life my job very difficult". My GP answered "that neck of yours... well, I will have to send a reference to Nakke og Ryggpoliklinikken på Nordås". She seemed botherd. I thought that this neck and back rehab would make some difference, but it did not help at all, even though the people who worked there tryed to convince me of something else. 

I remember 9th and 10th grade when everyone in my class talked about their future. When someone asked me what my plan was I wanted to say "I'm never going to be able to do anything because I'm in too much pain". In stead of being honest I just said something I wanted to study or a job I hoped to get. But I knew very well that I'd never get there.

I know it's not been easy for people around me to know how much pain I've been through. When I sent my letter of resignation to my partime job, one of my colleagues wondered why I didn't take the bus to work to delivere it myself. I thought everyone knew that I was in too much pain and that a busride was super painful for me. Did they not know that? If not it must have seemed really stupid that I sent it by mail. As the years went by I been more open and I should have started with that a long time ago.

I could talk for hours about similar episodes, but one conversation I remember well was when a friend of mine wondered if I should get a job where I could work and earn more money. I really thought that people knew that the reason I only had a partime job was because I was not able to work more. Even those few hours was too much.

Now when people ask me about the future I always start by saying that it's strange to talk about because I've never envisioned a future. I dare to dream a little, but it's scary. I don't know who I am out there in the real world.