If you could see me now

08/04/2017

I had not even heard about the Kysthospital i Stavern. Not before my first GP here in Porsgrunn sent a referal to them. He told me not to show my report from dr. Stokke to them. "They're never going to believe you" was his words.

My dad has always talked about how beautiful Stavern is. He have been to many trips there during his time in the navy. And he was right, it was abosolutley stunning there. The sun was shining and the surroundings looked like a postcard. It was a really nice day in every way.

Huy drove me and tagged along for moral support on my appointment. I will admit that I hade a few hopes to meet the doctor, but I was not exhited or too happy.

I remember every converstation with doctor and "specialists" down to even the smallest detail, but this day is a bit blurry. I remember that I was met by a female doctor, I assume she was a neurologist. Maybe I remember so little from it because it had been a while since I talked to someone regarding my neck. I was not prepared that also this time I would be looked town at and talked to like I was an idiot.

Huy and I sat in to chairs that where placed really close. He stroke my hand when he noticed that my voice started to crack. I told my story and explained my pain. I was honest. I told her that when expirience that my neck "snaps" I get really scared because it feels like my head is going to fall off. I told her that i placed my hands around my neck and I almost did not dare to let go. I can not remember what she answered, but I remember she asked questions and taking notes.

Huy was asked to leave the office, and it was the same as always: dress down to my underwear and walk back and forth on the floor in the small office. Then get dressed and sit down again.

When I think back at it now I really should have asked that I would like to have Huy come back in to the office, but I didn't.

The doctor said that I was very tense when I walked but there was nothing else wrong. Then she said: "When you tell me that you expirience pain, what are you scaref of? Do you think you're going to die?". I was sobbing so much that I could not separate the snot from the tears. "No! I don't think I'm going to die!". I wanted to swear scream from the top of my lungs. She tried to calm me down by saying she belived that I was in pain, but that just confirmed that she did not believe me at all.

She then suggested that I would come for a neck and back rehab, to teach me how to live with my pain. I had been to the same rehab in Bergen, but I told her that I like to try one more time. That was I lie. Why would I try one more time when I knew it would not help at all?

I called an canceled a few days later.

I went out from the office and had to wait a while for the lift. I did not dare to take the stairs because I was afraid to fall as I was crying so much. I sat down in the lift and I did not care at all if anyone came in and saw me. The doors luckily did not open before I was getting out myself and I had to walk pass the reseption. Normally I smile at everyone I walk pass, but I did not even look at the person who sat in the reseption. When I walked by I thought to myself: how many people with neck injuries goes crying out of these doors?

Crossing the parkinglot felt like an eternity. The sun sho was so beutiful when I walked to the appointment had turned into a monster that cheered on my migraine. And it was like the beautiful surroundings laughed at me. I said a thousand of swear words when I sat down in the car seat. Huy was there, in all my anger and in all of my pain. He squeezed my had and looked at me while he said: "don't give up, Hanne".

I wish the woman I went to the appointment to, could see me now. Because yesterday and today has been those days where I'm scared. No, not do die, but scared that my neck soon won't support my head at all. Because it feels completely loose. Lucily I've seen people with more knowledge since I saw you, and the funny thing is that I was correct in my descriptions of my pains. I

t was you who did not have knowledge to do your job properly.