"How do you cope with the pain?"

16/02/2017

Truth is that I don't. I am alive, but this is no life. I just exist without any meaning or purpose in my life. I feel like a zoombie. I can't believe that the days go by so slowly, and the weeks goes by so fast.  I'm turning 30 years old soon. My youth and my 20s was highly affected by pain. Yes, I've traveled and done stuff, but not a single day has been free from pain. Not a single day. It's becoming worse and worse, and now I have come to a point where I can not do things on my own.

Day and night merges, wich is a great struggle. The last time I had a good nights sleep was right before christmas in 2007.

To live with immense pain is quite dififcult for many reasons. Not many people can relate to it, and no one really knows how it feels. Huy is maybe the only person who gets it, but not even him can know exactly how the pain feels. 

I've been lucky to have come in contact with some incredible people the last couple of moths. Someone who is in the same situation as me. It's so weird to hear them describe their pain and their life- it's just how I feel! 

I want to give a special thanks to amazing Kari, who has been so helpful and kind to me. And beautiful Lisa, who just had surgery. 

Day and night merges, wich is a great struggle. The last time I had a good nights sleep was right before christmas in 2007. 

The feeling of worthlessness is awful. Not to have any meaning or purpose in life is very hard to deal with. When I'm able to join Huy to the grocery store, I often get quite hyper when I get home. I turn into a child with sugar rush. I get very talkative and I pinch, tickle and "bother" Huy. The pain worsen when I've been "out and about", but it's like food for my soul and spirit. I get high on the feeling, that for a little while, I've been around other people. How sad is that? Ha-ha!

When people get social with friends or coworkers, I'm still here doing nothing. When people go to work out, I'm still here doing nothing. When people go on mountain hikes, on café or a weekend trip, I'm still here doing nothing. When people go shoping ingridients to their Friday tacos or buy clothes on sale, I'm still here. Doing nothing at all.

It affects you, when you're not a part of the society 

Maybe, someday in the future, I can go out with coworkers and make jokes about my boss. And when people ask me about the scar in my upper neck, I'll answer "that was in a another lifetime". 

I the meantime, I'm laying here doing nothing.